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- What is guilt?
- How do people normally try to let go of guilt?
- Forgiveness as a way to let go of guilt
- Do you need to forgive yourself?
- How do you forgive someone for their wrongdoing?
- How to forgive and let go of guilt
Did you work full-time and leave the children in child care, feeling guilty every minute you did not spend time with them? Did you maybe say something hurtful to someone you did not mean and are carrying the guilt around? Did you tell a white lie to someone close to you to avoid confrontation? Maybe you had the last slice of the cake without asking anyone if they wanted anyway and did not own up when you were asked about it.
To feel guilty is to feel bad about something you did (or did not do) in the past.
Feeling guilty binds you to the past and anchors you in a negative emotional state, which makes it hard to heal from it and grow emotionally.
When a person feels bad (about anything), they tend to attract more negativity in their life, adding to the bad feelings they already feel. Feeling bad does not help a person move forward or heal from past misdemeanours, whether they were real or imagined. It keeps the person locked in that negative state and only attracts more negativity, so it becomes a vicious circle.
Guilt really is a totally and utterly useless emotion, which you need to let go.
How do people normally try to let go of guilt?
In order to make amends for the guilty act, or to alleviate the guilt that the person feels, one of the following are usually the course of action they will choose (and it can be a subconscious choice):
- Apology - this is one way that the guilty person tries to let go of their guilt by making an apology to the other person, but the focus here is on the misdeed and on the other person and does not allow for either to heal, as an apology is not enough to allow this as it does not honour the other person's hurt from the misdeed
- Punishment - punishment is a way for the guilty person to assuage their guilt either by punishing themselves in way they feel befits the misdeed, or they request (or accept) punishment from the other person; in this way the guilty person becomes the victim and the other person becomes the punisher - it becomes "I made you feel bad, therefore you will make me feel bad." It is a lose-lose situation where everyone is a victim; this is a very ineffective way to let go of guilt as it perpetuates the negative cycle on both people and does not allow for healing to occur
- Remorse - this is when the guilty person regrets and acknowledges the misdeed. It is basically another way of feeling guilty, with a twist - it is a form of self-punishment that again puts too much focus on the wrongful deed and not on healing and moving past it
- Restoration - this is when the guilty person provides something (service, money, goods, or some other way of restoring the good faith between people and communities) as a form of compensation for the wrongdoing; this is a lose-lose situation, where the guilty person becomes the victim and the victim becomes the perpetrator and the bad feelings around the wrongdoing remain, as nothing gets resolved; again this is not a good way to let go of guilt, as no-one is able to heal from it
Forgiveness as a way to let go of guilt
Forgiveness is a way to acknowledge the wrongdoing and allows the opportunity to heal from it, move on and have a clean start.
Forgiveness is the best way to alleviate guilt as it is a win-win strategy for everyone. It allows healing to take place and for person growth to be encouraged. Forgiveness means that the guilty person no longer has to feel bad about their actions, as they know they are a valued human being who can make a mistake, but who can learn from it and move on, to expect better for themselves and to let go of the negative emotions.
Forgiveness is not the same as condoning an action. Condoning implies a tacit acceptance of a wrongdoing. Forgiveness however allows compassion for someone who has perpetrated a misdeed.
When you harm another person, even in a small way, you are in fact harming yourself. You need need forgiveness and compassion to help you realise you are a human being and one who can make mistakes, but one which is still a valued person and who can grow from this experience, to be their spiritual and emotional best.
Forgiveness is a high form of love.
Forgiveness is one of the purest forms of positive emotional energy.
Forgiveness allows for a powerful healing energy.
Everyone in any situation can benefit from the beautifully positive energy from forgiveness.
Do you need to forgive yourself?
Why are you holding onto guilt, self-loathing or remorse? Why do you think you need to punish yourself with the negative emotions in this way? Do you believe you are not worthy because you made a mistake? Do you want to stay stuck in these negative emotions forever, without a chance to move on and be happy?
You need to forgive yourself first and foremost. Your actions were based from what you knew at the time and you could only do what you knew best. You could not do any more than that.
You need to take the lesson from what you have experienced that is causing you the guilt and forgive yourself. Feel some compassion for yourself and let the guilt go. You need to remember that you are part of the universe and part of humanity - reconnect to it and feel better about yourself.
How do you forgive someone for their wrongdoing?
How can you forgive someone for hurting you, whether it was intentional or not?
Mostly, if one person hurts another, it is on an unintentional basis. Most people do not purposely hurt other people.
Most hurts come from:
- an oversight
- a self centred action
- miscommunication
- forgetfulness
- rebelliousness
- neglect
- carlessness
Unless you know for sure that the misdeed was perpetrated on purpose, you should err on the side of caution and accept that it was most likely unintentional.
What this means is that it makes it easier for you to forgive the other person for their misdeed. Once you know that the action was not perpetrated on purpose, you can then find the compassion to forgive them. If you do this, it will free you from the hurt you may feel and allow you to heal and move on from it. Just know that they are human and will make mistakes in their life, in the same way you will. And if you made a mistake, wouldn't you want the same compassion and the same forgiveness and love? This is the best way to let it go and move on. Do not hold onto the pain as that will only continue to hurt you more, as it festers inside and colours how you view other people, as time goes on.
If however, the other person continues to do the wrong thing by you, even if they apologise a million times, it just means they have not yet learnt their lesson and cannot fully honour you and your friendship. This is when you have a choice to make - if it is not a really awful misdeed, then you have the choice to forgive them for this and accept their quirk and continue your friendship.
If however, if it is a more serious misdeed that continues, you have the choice to not accept it. You can still forgive them for their actions, but you do not have to stay close, if you so choose. Remember, the choice is yours to make - you need to honour your feelings and yourself to ensure you feel the best you can. You want to feel good about yourself and you need to ensure you choose your actions so that you can do this. Just remember you need to forgive so that you can heal and move on.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning what they did.
How to forgive and let go of guilt
Forgiveness is a valuable tool to allow you to let go of guilt, remorse or self-loathing for something you may (or may not) have done. It allows you to feel positive again and shine from your soul.
Here are some ways you can forgive and let go of guilt:
- Learn the lesson - this is pretty simple: learn from the mistake you made and try to do better next time, just remember that you are only human and are not perfect, but the fact that you are willing to learn from it, shows an admirable trait and one which you should congratulate yourself for doing
- Forgive yourself - just knowing that you can forgive yourself will go a long way to letting go of the self-hatred and guilt you may be feeling; trust yourself and know that you cannot possibly be perfect all the time and that everyone makes mistakes, no matter how big or small - you are not the only one who has ever been in this position. This is the biggest part to letting go of the guilt, the compassion you need to feel for yourself in order to truly forgive yourself for whatever you did; it means you are ready to learn, to heal and to move on and be a better person
- Ask for forgiveness - if you have hurt another person knowingly or unknowingly with your actions, ask them for their forgiveness, but be ready to acknowledge that they may not be ready to forgive you (it may take them some time to do this, especially if they felt very hurt by your actions), so you need to ensure you are compassionate in your response and let them know that their forgiveness will help you learn from your misdeed and ensure you do not do it again
And do not forget to apologise to the person. As stated above, an apology by itself is not enough, as it puts the onus on the other person to just accept it and does not show any acknowledgement for their hurt in the actual misdeed - it denies them their feelings. But with the above steps, an apology is an added bonus to help you both move on and heal from it.
If you feel guilty about your own actions (but which have not had any impact on anyone else), then the apology is not warranted, just the steps above.
